Feathers & grapefruit in videoclip Bubbles

On the 15th of November videoclip Bubbles was released. It is part of my project 3 x 3 = 9 in which I bring an ode to song in all its flavours. Every edition I go into conversation and into duet with a songmaker or performer. This video is a dialogue between burlesque dancer Fae Fortune and me about song and Erotica.⁠ From a young age Fae was hooked on sensual dance, starting with belly dance. Now she performs and teaches belly-, chair-, burlesque- and poledance in Rasa Lila, Amsterdam. A world of glitter, feathers, sensations and playful striptease.
Not for every one it is obvious to feel connected to (one’s own) sensuality. For this video we originally intended to tell the story of the Ugly Duck, the little animal who feels he does not belong and is not worthy, so he hides away from others. He drifts in his bath of senses, but feels trapped in it. One day a swan appears in which the duck sees himself reflected. The Ugly Duck is not able to make contact to the bathtub – the source of erotica / sensations – whereas the swan is trying to seduce the duck to free himself from his fears and open his wings to fly.


Open are the arms of the horizon
where the clouds resound familiar voices
take part of today with all grievances and miracles
come nearer, come nearer

Peel of layer by layer
without veil all flaws visible
what scares me more
being naked to outside
or the naked outside

Shreddin’ of my skin, till I feel weightless
soaring on the wings 
of my own believes and memories
I’m ready now, I’m ready now 

Peel of layer by layer
without veil, all flaws visible
what scares me more
being naked to outside
or the naked outside
being naked to outside
or the naked outside
being naked to outside
or the naked outside

Background story:

From childhood onward I adopted one reason after another that validated that I was not good enough. ⁠⁠One of the first convictions of my insecurity was that I had big ears, then I was too skinny, then my classmate complained I did not have big boobs like my best friend, then I had hairy legs, then my grandmother said my cheeks became fatter.. ⁠So you understand that when it comes to feeling comfortable in my skin, let alone feeling a connection with the word Erotica, I come from far.

⁠One night at a houseparty my friend found me alone in one of the rooms upstairs. She (who was quite drunk) got furious when she found out the reason for my hide away. There was this guy at the party that I had a crush on. She started jumping on me and yelled:⁠

When will you finally realise that you are damn beautiful?

I love your hair
I love your smile
I love your figure
I love your skin
I love your eyes
and you know what?

It is OK that you have a weird nose!

My mind ERRORed: I never thought of my nose before, but she just threw the new reason for my insecurity in my lap. She realised it and sighed. What can I do with you, Milou?⁠ I love your nose.. (Then she started kissing my nose, singing: I love your nose, nose, nose. I love your nose, nose, nose.. I of course continued hiding in the room until the party was over.⁠)
Although these memories feel as lifetimes ago, I still sometimes feel that my thoughts hold me back from fully being present in my body. And in the end our bodies are the gateway to our senses, which is Erotica in itself, which is Eros = lifeforce. I feel that every ‘reason’ or voice that makes us wanna hide away from the party, the crush, or from appearing on the stage of our lifes, is such a pity. So how do we deal with them? How do we peel of our thoughts, masks, selfmade barriers, to come to full presence and authenticity? I’d love to hear from you! What are your experiences with this theme, if any? How do/did you respond to those voices?

In co-creation with Paradiso Melkweg Productiehuis, Fae Fortune & Rogier van de Ven (production & performance), Lourens Lente (camera, editing & colourgrading), Kristien Jaspers (director videoclip), Colina van Bemmel (1st AD, editing & colourgrading), Thomas Jillings (song magic & mix), Vince Peeters (gaffer), HAL25 (location). Funded by Prins Bernhard Cultuur Fonds, Norma Fonds en Amsterdams Fonds voor de Kunsten. 

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